Every day I wake up, and there's that moment before you're completely awake where all is well. Then I wake up properly thinking 'cancer'. Despite the fact that it's nearly always there at the front of my brain, I sense what I'm really not allowed to voice my fears. "Don't worry about tomorrows sorrows today". If only it were so easy. Oh, and blood is thicker than water. My sister may be a difficult one, but she's been there, and amazingly hasn't got annoyed with me! She can't cope with my distress so I tried not to show it to her. I'm off for my ct scan later. It will be about ten days before I learn my fate. Meanwhile every ache and pain is bothering me: that pain in my back....maybe it's spread to my kidneys. Makes me feel very very sad. And not for me, but for my wolf. Also, joy of joys, my hair is falling out because of the lack of oestrogen. It won't be long before I'm a dried up old hag. Just when I'd let mys...
I need to talk to someone to work out what the hell I'm feeling. I burst into tears. I long for my wolf, yet I so hate to be making him sad. The tears just leak out of me. There's no sobbing. It's so horrible waiting. Is that why I'm focussing more on the hrt? Mind you that is something to mourn, in my case. The anxiety was ridiculous, for starters. Then there's the uti's and the dry pussy. My hair will look like straw and my tits will go rapidly south. Mind you, if I have to have treatment then I won't have any hair to worry about. Aaagh. I feel like I'm going to age very very quickly in the coming weeks, one way or another. And after being so proud of my late greying it will all come in a rush. Still, as long as a version of me lives I will try to make sure my wolf never has cause to regret taking me on.